I was twenty two and one day I was standing at a railway barrier waiting for the train from London to pass. A woman stood next to me. At the last minute, just as the train was about to roar past, the lady next to me ducked under the barrier and threw herself in front of the train. I witnessed a woman thrown like a rag doll in front of my eyes and nearly 40 years later that image haunts me still.

What if I had engaged with her and kept her talking, maybe I could have prevented what happened? If only I'd known, I could have done something to prevent that awful end to a woman who seemed to have so much courage to go through with that act. That was the thought that kept going around and around in my head. Facing a massive high-speed train is not the act of a coward as some think. It’s a sign of utter despair and desperation. What was going on in that lady's life that was so terrible that standing in front of a train was a preferable option? I couldn't imagine.

I kept thinking, if only she could have transformed that incredible courage into ways that would have helped her escape whatever hole she was in, I just knew that she would have found a way through and out the other side.

That day I was traumatised by what I saw but also shamed into not doing more or being there for her at the very moment when she needed me the most. The regret of that never leaves me. Yet deep down I know that, even if I had talked to her, it might have stopped her from jumping that day, yet she might have gone through with it the next day. I know that she was too far ahead in her plans to have stopped, because somewhere along the line, she had made up her mind to end her life and there was nothing I could have done about it. Once she had made that decision for death and no longer for life, she was lost to anything I might have done.

My breakthrough point when I struggled with suicidal thoughts was at that decision crossroads. I came to realise that my children would be damaged and traumatised as I had been that day by that woman, only far far worse. I could not do that to them. It was that realisation of the pain I would inflict on innocent lives that was the turning point in my life. I had hit rock bottom and had desperately wanted a way out of the agony I was in. However, deep down I knew that to choose death over life would not only shape my future but theirs too. Once I knew that I could not do that to them, it was as if a trap door swung open and strength and courage rushed in and transformed how I now viewed my future.

The only way I could now go was up. And the only one who could climb out of this pit of despair and depression that I was in, was me. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I knew that I had now chosen to take the right path and leave the left one behind.

It took many years until I arrived at a place of contentment and deep joy. However, eventually I found it and I have never stopped giving thanks that I was brave enough that day to do the right thing by everyone.

You too need to arrive at this crossroads and choose whether to use your remaining ounces of bravery and energy to jump in front of a train or begin to turn your life around. I reached out to a friend who told me to not be so ridiculous and to pull myself together. It was the worst thing he could have said. However, by then I was determined not to let others any longer hurt me. I knew that the decision had been made for life and that I would go out and find that life wherever I could find it.

I found it in my faith. I found it in being out in nature. I found it in books and music and my precious children. Where I found discouragements to live, I left those things behind. I looked for the lighthouses in my life, lights which kept me away from the rocks of the 'what ifs' that kept flooding my mind. I learnt how to still my mind and open my eyes to the beauty that I gradually was able to notice once again.

In fact the new world I found was similar in many ways to the old one but there was now a delight and pleasure in it that before had been eradicated because of the dark, heavy blanket that I was trapped beneath and could not escape from. Gradually light began to break through into the pitch darkness and I could begin to see again the gifts which lay close to me but which in my utter darkness I had been unable to make out. Life had come to me once again on her trusty steed and helped lift me out of my distress and discouragement. Gradually I became freer and more hopeful and then one day I was able to throw off that cumbersome blanket and walk free. It wasn't easy, but I made it.

Looking back I know that that woman on the railway line gave me a gift as well as traumatising me. She showed me that courage lies within each of us, however desperate we are. It's just that she chose to use hers to end her life whilst I was fortunate enough to have a different ending.

When you are as low as you can go, there are only two directions to go in. Up or out. I hope and pray that you decide to head up.