Port in the Storm
A Refuge in Troubled Times
Suicide Watch
Sometimes in life we become so weary of her that we long to let go of her hand. Instead, we dream of a life without her in the arms of death. He seems to be the only hope in our despair. He is a passing attraction trying to tempt us with his wares. He tries to sell us a quick solution to end our messy and complex problems.
However, deep down he knows that it is only Life who truly offers us the hope for which we are seeking. It is only Life who can help us find our way out of the maze we feel stuck, contained and trapped within. It is Life alone who knows the way back out into freedom.
These pages encourages those who feel that death is the only solution to their great sadness to think again and to believe that there is a way out and through their darkness. For only Life has the candle of hope which will guide you into light, meaning and freedom once again.
The Tipping Point
Today, in any of our lives, there could be a tipping point, when we leave behind the life we once had and head off in a different direction. Tipping points can bring both life and death. When one is considering suicide, we are precariously balanced on a knifes edge, where the smallest thing can tip us over that edge.
I remember hearing a talk from the most inspiring man who had neither arms nor legs. He had decided this one day that if just one more person said something horrible to him, then he would take his life. Instead, as he was coming home from school, a girl in his class on the opposite side of the street waved and smiled at him as she was so pleased to see him. It was at that moment that he gained the courage to remain alive.
It is unlikely that any of us ever know when someone is at their tipping point so there is little we can do to help them. However, what we can do is to try and be kind to everyone, for we never know if our reaction to them might be the last thing they remember as they get tipped over into deciding to end their life.
These pages are my attempt to help those at their tipping point. I have been where you are now, stuck in the threshold between life and death. I spent a long time letting death court and woo me, but I soon learnt that being with him made me feel terrible. Eventually I was able to let go of his hand and once again hold onto the hand of life.
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I have written of what life has taught me and these reflections are my way of being that smiley cheerful girl on the other side of the street who cares deeply that you know how precious you are to her. I hope and pray that something in these words floods you with hope and light.
Each reflection is like a lit candle that I offer in moments when the darkness is overwhelming. I can't take away your pain but I can offer you hope. I believe in the beauty that is within you that the world desperately needs. I just hope that you can find the strength to believe in that beauty and begin again.
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There is a way up, out and through this sea of overwhelming difficulties and despair. It's just that you need to keep swimming upwards. You will break through once more into a place where you will be able to breath fresh air and be free from whatever binds and traps you beneath the sea of waves at this time.
Listen to the voice of hope which still resides within you. Let the voice of hope talk to you as you read these pages. Let it comfort and console you. Let it guide and direct you from out of your dark places into new fresh pastures of light. Let it echo back to you what it believes you might be thinking and feeling, helping you to better comprehend the often muddled and confused places in your mind. Let it bring music where currently there are only screeching noises. Let it inspire you to believe in the wonderful person that you truly are. Let it light within you a fire of hope which will never burn out or run dry.
All these things I hope and pray for you as you read these words. May your breakthrough come soon as it did eventually come for me. You have a choice about which road ahead you will take. I pray that you choose for life and not for death and that these stories in some way tip you over into a better, happier and more hopeful life.
With much love xxxx
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12 Thoughts for Life
Thought 1 - The Loss of Hope
Picture by Zorro4 from Pixabay
Behind every loss of hope, is loss itself. Loss of hope is almost the final of all losses. So, what then is loss?
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Loss happens when we lose anything that is dear to us. It can be a person, a cause, a belief, a hope, a dream, a family, a part of ourselves. Losses happen every day. They are a natural part of our lives. We lose an umbrella; we lose our bearings and we lose touch with old friends and acquaintances. Most losses we recognise as inevitable, like those from aging and the seasons.
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However, some losses shake us at the very core of who we are. They devastate us and at times even destroy us. We lose part of ourselves. We lose part of who we would have been or become if that event or circumstance hadn’t occurred. Sometimes, we too lose our innocence or our purity. Sometimes we face evil for the very first time and can no longer believe and exist in a make-believe land of fairy tales.
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But what is the greatest loss at the heart of them all? The loss of being held in some way in a loving embrace of some kind. The loss of being part of something bigger and better than ourselves alone. The loss of the space and freedom to become who we could truly have been without that dream or hope being snatched from us, out of our grasp and reach now, forever. That is the greatest loss of all. To no longer know the love we once knew, the hope we once had and the dreams we once dreamt..........
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Thought 2 - Grieving Life's Losses A Story about Regrets, The Cycle of Grief and Acceptance
Photo by Richard McCall from Pixabay
With loss comes grieving. There are many stages of grieving and this story aims to help you understand some of these and the importance of acceptance before we feel able to move on.
Once upon a time, a little goblin sat upon a tree trunk stump. He was waiting for a friend, but as he did so he began to wonder about the great tree that had once stood here, but which was now no more than a stump. It had been felled many years ago and yet, as he sat on it, it was as if it was still alive, for it began to share with him a little of it’s life.
“I was a female tree” she said. “I lived my life here on earth for many centuries. However, then one day, they came along and felled me, for I was no longer useful or fitted into the plans the new owners had for the land. Therefore, I had to go. However, their plans came to naught and this land was never developed.
And so, I sit here, a tiny part of who I once was, but still alive and wanting to share with you or anyone who has time, a little of my story,.......
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Thought 3 - Is Death the Answer?
Picture by Joggie from Pixabay
Sometimes it seems too hard to live with all of one’s losses, grieving and wounds and therefore death seems the only way out. But is death the answer?
Suicidal thoughts come when we feel trapped in a darkness that there appears to be no way out of. Life seems like an insurmountable obstacle or mountain that we no longer have any strength to get around or over. We are weary with trying. We are despondent with life. There seems absolutely no point in continuing. Reason, logic and guilt - we hear them all speaking as dear friends to us. Yet there is one speaking louder and clearer than all of these and this is death himself.
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Death comes selling his wares, promising us peace, rest and an end, where we no longer have to struggle or exist or cope. He tells us that what he offers is freedom, eternal freedom from this dark, dark place in which we reside. Whilst other voices try to offer us hope of a good life here, he offers to take us on a journey to the next life, death......
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Thought 4 - The turning point of despair
I was twenty two and one day I was standing at a railway barrier waiting for the train from London to pass. A woman stood next to me. At the last minute, just as the train was about to roar past, the lady next to me ducked under the barrier and threw herself in front of the train. I witnessed a woman thrown like a rag doll in front of my eyes and nearly 40 years later that image haunts me still.
What if I had engaged with her and kept her talking, maybe I could have prevented what happened? If only I'd known, I could have done something to prevent that awful end to a woman who seemed to have so much courage to go through with that act.
That was the thought that kept going around and around in my head. Facing a massive high-speed train is not the act of a coward as some think. It’s a sign of utter despair and desperation. What was going on in that lady's life that was so terrible that standing in front of a train was a preferable option? I couldn't imagine......
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Thought 5 - you are not alone
“I can’t go on”, she cried, first to herself and then to the world around her. She was desperate. She had lost all idea of hope.
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It seemed that everywhere she turned she was met with a brick wall. North, South, East and West, only brick walls. She felt caged in a tiny room with barely enough room to swing a rabbit. The walls contained no windows in which she could see out of. There were no doors and no way out. Just a closed in room, where she believed she would eventually die. Each day the walls seemed to move inwards, getting closer and closer to her. Each day she therefore felt more trapped and claustrophobic. There was no way out above, below or to the sides of her. Where was she to go? What was the point of continuing in this nonsensical existence?
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“I know,” she thought. “I will end it all now. What have I got to look forward to but greater fear and anxiety as my world becomes ever smaller? If I take something or take an irreversible action, at least it will be over and done with. I’ll finally have peace. I will no longer have to battle through each minute of every day. That’s my way out. It is the only way out that I can make out from this tiny, dark, cramped and claustrophobic existence. When I’m gone, everyone can be alright again...... Read more
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Thought 6 - You are of great worth
Deep within a forest stood a tree. It was a lonely little tree because although it was surrounded by hundreds of other trees, it could not see the light. It felt cut off from the height of itself, the part that could feel the sun’s warmth and rays.
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It was as if this tree was now only a trunk, a trunk that felt rigid and lifeless. It was rooted in the soil of despair and despondency. It could not leave. It could not escape. It felt trapped. It was not in a good place.
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One day an axe man came along and sat by the tree, telling her that if she liked, he could cut her down and then her life would be over and she would never have to live in this dark place ever again. His offer sounded very appealing and she was tempted to take him up on it. He knew she was interested and so he kept coming back each and every day, trying to persuade her that he was the answer to all her problems.
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Then one day a very different person came along who talked differently to her and never suggested that she would be better off dead. Instead, he began to tell her of the beauty he saw in her and how excited he was about all she might achieve as a magnificent tree......
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Thought 7 - winter and the hero within
Picture by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
Sometimes in life we have no strength to go on. We are tired. We are exhausted from the battles we are fighting within ourselves day after day after day. We are wounded. We are hurting. Our strength is ebbing away.
It’s as if we have somehow ended up on the rocks of life and we have fallen out of the boat of everything that once held us. We are now caught up in these ferocious waves that are determined to batter and destroy us. Wave after wave comes trying to draw us nearer to the rocks of doom which threaten to take our life. Once we had the strength to try and swim in the opposite direction. However, now we are barely able to stay afloat and we are tempted to allow ourselves to be carried to whatever fate has ordained for us.
Yet it is at these times that there is always a voice within us telling us that this too will pass and that the waves will subside and that one day the same waters that are battering us now will be still, clear and balmy to swim in. We just need to hold on.
But what can we hold onto out here in these ferocious seas? The truth that within us lies a hero or heroine who has the strength to carry on. It will be in years to come as we sit contentedly upon a sandy beach watching the sunlight play over the sea that we will recall with horror how close we came to missing this very special and precious time in our life.
We will see clearly then that we were living through a bitter winter when it appeared that everything in our life was dead or dying. We thought it was the end and yet in truth it was the season that would prepare us for the spring to come. However, we couldn't see this truth for we were frozen......
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Thought 8 - climbing out of the pit
Sometimes we want to begin again but it seems too hard to climb out of the pit we are trapped within. Here is a story of one goat’s struggles to escape his pit.
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Once upon a time on a hill overlooking a city sat a gorgeous little sheep. She was very beautiful to look at and she had a heart of gold. One day as she was walking, she heard muffled cries coming from nearby.
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“Help me, help me please” shouted a little goat, caught and trapped at the bottom of a very large pit.
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“Oh my,” she exclaimed, “however did you get in there and however are we going to release you and set you free?”
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The goat told her a long story of all that had led up to the point where he had fallen into the deep pit but which he was unable to escape from on his own. He had tried for many hours and even days to find a way to escape.
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“We need to get you out,” exclaimed the sheep. ........
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Thought 9 - the power of words
Words are very powerful weapons. What you tell yourself, you believe. What others tell you, you listen to. At our darkest times, we need to be extremely careful about the company we keep.
It is at these times that the companions of fear, worry, desolation and hopelessness come along and grab as many moments of our waking and sleeping time as possible. They are forever telling us that we will never get through this and that we won't be able to cope with all that is coming our way. They tell us that we're a burden and everyone would be so much better off without us. They whisper in our ears that we are a failure and a waste of space and that nothing we do will ever change that. We will hear them calling us awful names and remind us that we are a terrible disappointment and a burden to many.
It is at these times that you need to counter these lies, for that is truly what they are, with truths. You need to say them out loud, even when you don't or can't believe them.
It is a little like scales. If all you put onto the scales are negative, destructive words and thoughts, you will end up in even more dangerous water. It is only when you allow yourself to think or say words of life and hope to yourself that you begin to tip the scales in your favour.......
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Thought 10 - loss and gain
When we are able to, we can eventually see that we can never have a loss without some form of gain coming as well. Sometimes it’s almost impossible to see how anything is being gained from our most terrible of losses. However, it is one of the rules of life that with every loss comes a gain.
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It is like painting a picture. At first, we lay down the first wash. We like the colours and are pleased with them. We might be reluctant to paint anything on top of it, but we know that in order to paint the story of our life, we need to begin to move on. We feel reluctant to, because what was there before will now be covered over. Yet we know we have to go on, for to stay grieving is to stop living and breathing and the one who we have lost would feel immense sadness and heartache to know that their loss meant we stopped painting.
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And so the day comes when we begin to paint over that part of ourselves, often in dark colours, for the original light is becoming dim now and darkness is how we feel. Gradually over time, colour returns and although we can no longer see the coats of paint we made originally, we know that they underpin everything that we are now painting. Just because we can no longer make that wash of paint out and it remains hidden, it is still there as surely as if we could see it.......
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Thought 11 - the peace garden
Finding peace whilst living through the wars raging all around you and within you can be hard or seem almost impossible. Yet that is what you somehow need to find in order to survive intact. I have given the image of a peace Garden to help you try to find that peace.
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The mind rules lives; when it is agitated, we are agitated; when it is at rest, we are at rest. So it is important that there be awareness of the thoughts going through the mind.
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The mind is like a busy railway station, with thoughts and ideas coming along like trains every few seconds and minutes. There is constant activity and as the trains pull into the station, they unload many people, each separate and all going in different directions at different speeds.
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As we watch the trains come and go and watch the people embark and disembark there is not a moment left to be in the moment. We are caught up watching our thoughts as if we were watching the people coming and going and then have no time left to seek out and search for peace and calm. Therefore, first, we need to shut the station for a while and allow no trains and no people to enter. The signals need to be set at red for a while so that within the station there is only peace and calm.
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When there are no trains or people to watch, then one begins to notice the trees and the flowers and the sounds of the birds and the wind in the leaves of the trees. You can begin to get up and wander away from the track and wander behind the station walls and discover amazing gardens just empty and waiting for you to discover......
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Thought 12 - letting go
Sometimes, we can't let our heavy rocks of our pasts go because we want justice, and we hold onto them because of the unjustness and unfairness of what we have suffered. Somehow to let these things go means our hurts haven't been seen or witnessed and ignored.
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Our pasts contain many happy times and memories but they also contain trauma or hardships, sadness’s, losses and regrets. Whilst we hold on to some of the good times, it is the hardest and most difficult and painful times that we find hardest to let go of because they still hurt.
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It is like having an open wound on a part of our body, that has not as yet been able to heal. We can forget about it for much of the time but then suddenly someone or something inadvertently bangs into us and the pain of the wound shoots through us once more. Some wounds have been with us since childhood and yet they still are not healed. Why is that?
Because these are our deepest of wounds that were in some way inflicted in our foundational years. They need to be cleaned out, have healing oils put on them and then wrapped and kept safe and clean.
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